Out for coffee, feeling alone. Skinny Love comes on, loud and clear. Feeling even more alone than before. I start to hum along, like I do to every other song because I don't know all the words. I hear someone else singing. I look up and see the man I always see when I am here. He wears the same grey Hanes sweatshirt and dark grey jogging pants every time I see him. Irony. He is reading the "How We Live" section in the Oregonian. He carries exactly eight paper shopping bags covered with plastic shopping bags from Fred Meyer, four in each hand. Everything he owns is in those eight bags. I see him every day. We exchange polite smiles and he acknowledges my existence over his taped glasses, one lens replaced with a brown cardboard cutout. He knows all the words to all the songs. I wonder about him. Who he is behind his mid-size beard and how he knows all the words to one of my favourite songs. He doesn't seem like the typical Bon Iver loving kind. Before I got the chance to post this or further analyze this gentleman, my friend Amy and her brother came and met up with me. As we left I glanced at the man and said a polite goodbye with my eyes and a slight smile.
We were going to Portland City Fest—a christian event held on the waterfront to convert all of Portland—to hear Kutless and Chris Tomlin play. After weaving through the masses to find a place where we could stand comfortably and see the stage, Luis Palau started preaching. When I am at the conversion festivals, I always feel so confused about my faith. I am not like those around me, I've heard the message of Christ. I know what I believe, but still I never raise my hands or pray the prayers that the man on stage tells me to pray. I feel I have a rebellious nature. I will pray on my own. I don't need to raise my hands in a crowd to prove my allegiance to Christ. I like small gatherings. I hate big church. I feel such an aversion to large gatherings. Why is this?
I was at an adventist church recently, and we were studying somewhere in the Gospels where the latter rain or the holy spirit will come down on the masses or something like that. One person said that they didn't feel like they could share Christ with others, that they wouldn't until the "latter rain" came down. Others agreed. We sat in a small circle just nodding and talking about it like we were so removed and we couldn't do anything until the holy sprit rained. I felt defiant. Annoyed. Why have we become so stagnant? Who needs to sit around and wait for some outpouring? You can ask. You can go serve. You don't need to preach. Live your life in a way that tells others about Christ. I am feeling very done with the Adventist Church, or any church for that matter. Church makes people sit back and not strive anymore. Laziness.
Every so often I find that I am not where I need to be spiritually. I will never be. There is no such thing as once saved, always saved. It is a continual struggle in my daily life. I feel like it is personal, and shouldn't be dealt with in crowds of thousands at a Praise Fest or anything. I want to join some church, but at the same time I think that I will lose my edge, become lazy, turn into my parents when it comes to being spiritual. I don't want the cookie cutter relationship with my creator. I long for something more. I feel like there is more and I'm just not seeking hard enough. Anyone with me?
Music:
Anything Radiohead, especially depressing songs, heartbreak.
Newer Cold War Kids, MGMT. I <3 MGMT!!!! Seriously.
Also, I was skeptical about Vampire Weekend but I am coming around.
Really enjoying Yeasayer as well.
And Britney Spears... (slightly embarrassed)
